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It has come to my attention that Lutherans across the State line will soon establish a lay training institution with the specific purpose in mind to fill vacant pulpits with specially trained laymen [or women?]. It has also come to my attention that this institution [and its corresponding program, called DELTO] have come under sharp attack by certain backward looking clergy who seem unable to do anything other than to spout Scripture and [their Lutheran] Confessions as the basis for their objections. How uncreative! And what an obvious ploy on their part to keep the reins of churchly power in their own fists.

Let me commend the District officials who have withstood not only the criticism from these Confessional bigots thus far, but have even ignored their own District Convention's guidelines to bring about such revolutionary changes in the Church. They have refused to become distracted by anything --anything logical, anything Confessional, anything Scripture-- and raced onward to their target. Like race horses, they have donned blinders to keep their goal in view. And that goal is, we must remember, to create a theology for the masses, a theology in which every man, woman and child among us can contribute their own say, an egalitarian theology which [if you'll pardon me for saying so] is truly Ranken File.

And what better way to promote a popularist theology than to put not only theology into the hands of the people, but to put lay-people into pulpits!

That is my commendation. Yet I also have one critcism of these District officials who live next-door. They, actually, have not gone far enough. It is fine to build a one-half million dollar lay-training institution far away from the cities of the traditional, clergy-controlled seminaries. But it is still two-steps removed from where we want to be. If the goal actually *is* to mass-market the pastoral office, we should bring the product to the people. And to make it cost effective [for isn't cost, i.e. the cost of paying pastors the issue here? --as well as the primary justification offered for DELTO?] we should employ existing institutions. After all, why reinvent the wheel?

My suggestion would be K-Mart [1]. The church District officials could design a convenient pastor's kit with all the necessary equipment, clothing, and literature needed--pamphlets, rather than books, would be more readable and the range of possible graphics would be far more panoramic. And then K-Mart marketing researchers could take it from there. Further, I suggest that this new K-Mart "Grow Your Own Church" department be placed, physically, somewhere between the toy and hardware departments; toys [because everybody then can "play" chuch] and hardware because it would lend the "do-it-yourself" ambiance so necessary in promoting lay-ministry and church-growth principles. I would imagine marketers could sell the entire package for under $25 retail; but every two weeks or so, could reduce the price even further by offering a "Blue Light Special," --especially during Advent.

[1 Others might suggest Wal-Mart for the two reasons. First is that in the past five years, Wal-Mart has surpassed K-Mart in net profits. Second is that Wal-Mart covers rural areas far better than K-Mart. However, for that very reason Wal-Mart has driven out most Mom and Pop stores and, is at present, suffering a backlash of criticism. Wal-Mart would not be politically correct today.]

The packaging and marketing of lay-ministry training would be in good hands with K-Mart and the church's District officials might find handsome rewards if they exploit this concept properly. For instance, why stop with only lay-pastor kits? Why not find what profit there may be in marketing, say, lay-physician kits as well? Of course, just as these officials received terrible resistence from seminary professors and called and ordained pastors, they should also expect resistence from the AMA and certified physicians. But they've overcome the first, why not the second?

Of course the retail price for physicians' kits would be dramatically higher, but I see a possible gradation in the works. One could start as a mere G.P., for, say, $45.99, and, when that has become profitable, one could work his/her way up to, say, a top flight lay-neurosurgeon, for, say, $99.99. The kit would, of course, include the necessary pamphlets and scaple and, within a week, the lay-neurosurgeon could be hacking away at human brains, just as the lay-pastor is already hacking away at human souls.

Of course, as we institue these necessary changes in both the spiritual and physicial health fields, we should always brace ourselves for the overly obvious criticism: "But, but," we'll hear their pathetic pleas, "what about qualifications? What about quality? And what about the care of real men and women?" When you hear those sickly sentiments, it is important to become unflustered. Reply with the straightest face you can muster. . . .

"Sir, everyone can be a minister/doctor. All it takes is sincerity"

And save your laughter until you're back home and safely behind closed doors.

-Dr. Ranken File