The Bizarre Bazaar for all your Lenten needs. Not suffering enough?
Still
waking up in the morning wanting to greet the day with the Venite?
Never
fear,
Ste. Em's Lenten Marketplace is here!
Hair Shirts by Roughhider, Inc.: One size fits all. Several grades
of
irritant materials available from Hedgehog (for novice penitents and
Vicars) to
Razorback hide (for the Texas Bishops and Deaconatrix). Complete the
outfit
with burlap panties, bras and briefs, cockleburr jockstraps, and
nettle
menstrual pads.
Motorized-self-flagellation devices: 10 strokes for every one arm
motion.
Lotsa slap for the snap.
Synergizer Bunny, battery powered. Beats his little drum and says
"Money
back
in 90 days, If your tithe doesn't pay." Turns on, but never turns off.
Iron Maiden: Mattress pad made of the coarsest russian thistle. For
all
those hard to reach sore spots you never thought would be irritated in
a true
penitential fashion, The Iron Maiden makes acupuncture look like
child's
play.
Need a good stretch in the morning? Try The Rack! Feet cold? Try
the Rack
over a fire with the optional spit assembly!
Lenten CD: all your favorite tunes performed in true tribulation
style by
Zamfir and Slim Whitman. "Shine Jesus Shine", "I Want to Be Like
Jesus",
"River of Light", "My Lord What a Morning", "Awesome God", "My God, I
Love
Thee", "Angel Band."
Superior Melting Oil: for maximum pouring temperature without
unecessary
boilovers. Use with Greek Fire for those who think SMO isn't enough.
Personal Incense: for those who can't quite work up a good lather on
their
own.
Oyster Shell Knee Pads: works up callouses quickly. Get a years'
worth of
cuts and bruises in one kneeling, 40 grit.
Missouri Mule Chips: sit stubbornly on your shoulder. Available with
interchangeable decals for accurate targetting and sighting. Choose
selection
A: (LW, HS98, CSL, NIV); or B: (TLH, FW, PVofM, NKJV); or C: (CG, CW,
HGTA,
GA-FL)
Lenten Picnic Basket: filled with the finest selection of aged
cheddar,
hardtak, and Illinois tap water for those who aren't bound enough
already.